Oh how Rep. Joe Salazar (D), has inspired me! I agree with him! Who needs guns when there are all these great alternative methods to stop rape square in its tracks? Salazar has opened my eyes. Women are indeed too unpredictable and easily frightened to be able to have firearms. We don’t need these easily flustered women randomly shooting men just because they might be getting raped. Gun violence is just not the answer in any situation. Oh, but I don’t just want to sit on the sidelines and agree. Oh no! I want to contribute! So here are a few more ideas for women to help avoid or discourage rape! You’re welcome, ladies!
1. Be sure to inform your rapist that your vagina is a government mandated penis free zone. Like any law abiding and respectful citizen your rapist should politely move on and attempt to find non-penis free zones where rape is acceptable.
2. Do this. That should stop him cold.
3. Tell him you are a Praying Mantis, and sure he can rape you, but you will be eating his head off directly afterward or possibly during. Also inform him that you will be cannabalizing his offspring. After doing this, position and move your arms in a Preying Mantis like manner. This should deter your rapist, as studies have shown that 100% of rapists do not like having their heads eaten.
4. Fart! Just trust me on this one. A woman ripping a big one is like a man’s off switch. Don’t go squeeky on it either. I’m talking the alone in your house, sitting on the couch, eating yogurt, and watching the Bravo channel fart.
5. Yell “parlay” just before he attempts to rape you, as this will force him to bring you to his pirate Captain where you can then negotiate terms.
6. Begin describing that pair of shoes you saw yesterday that were so cute you’d just die without them. I mean they would most likely go well with your green dress, that one that you got while you were in Austin, but you’ve been feeling dangerous lately and you might just wear them with that black and blue dress. It might not work but you haven’t worn that dress since you got it and to be honest you weren’t really sure if you wanted to buy it in the first place but Sandy was wearing something really similar and she looked really cute in it. She paid WAY more for hers than you did for yours though because you tend to shop a little bit smarter than Sandy, but you’re nowhere near as shopping savvy as Jessica. Speaking of Jessica, have you SEEN her new boyfriend. OMG, she totally “settled” on that one. She is WAY too pretty for him, but he is this big powerful lawyer from San Antonio and let me tell you, the car he drives is like a Lamborghini or something. You mean, her kids are going to be fugly but her house is going to be amaaaaaziiiiing. Ugh…you need to find a boyfriend. Jeremy at work is pretty cute but why does he have to walk so weird? It’s like a waddle. Who waddles? You wish that guy who comes into Starbucks every morning when you do would ask you out but he never seems to notice you. Are you fat? You feel like you’re getting fat. That’s it! You’re going to go on a diet and going to start working out….tomorrow. Tonight is The Bachelor and you have that key lime pie slice you’ve been saving. Wait…you heard somewhere that Key Lime is low fat. Is that true? Know what, you change your mind. You want ice cream.
Annoyed yet? I know he is. Hell, I wrote this and I was trying to walk away from me.
7. You’ve always heard love would come when you least expect it, and now that he’s surprised you in this dark alley you should begin to inform him how happy you two will be together for the rest of your lives. Begin describing your wedding, and ask him how many children you two should have. “Jokingly” inform him that there is now way he’s getting rid of you now…because you’ll find him. He’s leaving a DNA trail all over your body and you’re not letting him get away for one minute!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAA *deep breath* Aaaahhhh.
8. Use the Ceasar Millan method and begin nipping the rapist on the back of the neck with two fingers as you make the “TSST” sound. It does not hurt the rapist, it just lets the rapist know that you are dominant and in charge. Do not look at the rapist, do not acknowledge the rapist, just let the rapist know that you aren’t interested in him. Be sure to take your rapist for a walk from to time so that he burns off all that energy he would use for rape!
9. If you have time, take off your shoes and change into your jogging attire. This will help you outrun your would be rapist and get a great workout! Let’s move!
10. Call the police. During the 4-5 minutes it would take for the police to get to you, you and your rapist should celebrate the fact that you both live in a gun free environment and have a laugh over how barbaric states with gun rights are…ya know…as you’re being raped!