Obama, you’ve got elections coming up soon and it’s time to give some confidence to the American people that you’re a man’s man that can get the job done, whoop some ass, get the girl, chug a beer, and eat a whole cow, preferably all at the same time. Sadly, you seem to be lacking in the masculinity department, but luckily for you, all throughout history we’ve had manly leaders in America who can withstand the trials the world throws at him and his nation. President Obama, you have many great examples to follow! For instance . . .
Here we see Ronald Reagan getting his chain saw massacre on. His victim? Wood. Reagan righteously strikes down the overgrown menace and makes the world a safer place, and looks like a total boss while doing it. Look at him standing over his fallen foe like Bellerophon over the Chimera! Need firewood? He’s got the hookup. Holla if you hear him. You give it a shot, Obama!
Okay, props on doing some manual labor, I know it was a big step for you . . . but, uh . . . well, I don’t think you quite got it down. Get your feet further apart for better balance, straighten your back so you don’t hurt it too. Also, you should probably leave the fancy, expensive shirts, shoes, and pants at home and grab yourself some jeans and a shirt you don’t mind getting dirty.
Here, check out your predecessor Bush. He’s got the right idea. Look at that veteran work posture and straight up baller blue collar look as he one-hand carries that log like he’s dragging some douche outside to have words with the Louisville Slugger in his other hand after that punk was talking trash to his woman! So let’s try again!
Okay, ya know what? We’ll come back to manual labor later.
SPORTS! You like sports right? Let’s go with some baseball! Baseball is America’s pastime and depending on who you talk to, namely anyone important, it’s the greatest game on Earth. To get a good idea of what to do let’s go back to our boy George W. Bush!
I can hear the ump calling a strike now. The posture is perfect. Arm back, balanced and ready, with eye on the target. Bush knows where he wants the ball and he puts it there. He could snipe a bird out of the air with that arm! Now you give a shot Obama!
No no NO! It’s all wrong! You released the ball WAY too soon! Are you throwing the ball to team Fairy Princess Pansy Party? Are you afraid that if you hurl that ball too fast and straight you might give somebody a fair shot at SOMETHING? Get your head in the game before I stick a tiara on your head and call you Miss America since you throw more like her, and believe me, you won’t look half as pretty!
NOW TRY AGAIN!
Okay . . . *sigh* . . . maybe its my fault. Maybe I’m using the wrong examples for you. I mean, you pretend to be Reagan so I figured he’d be a good role model of manliness, and you take enough credit for Bush’s accomplishments so maybe you’d at least TRY to be more like him on principle, but no worries. We’ll take a different route.
Putin is your man, yeah? You both have communist backgrounds, right? I’ll give Putin one thing, the dude can do manly. So pay attention Obama, here is Putin and a horse. All you have to do is stand next to a horse and look like you mean business like your boy here.
. . . you sonovabitch. You had ONE SIMPLE JOB! You can’t even look remotely cool next to a horse? Everyone looks cool standing next to a horse and you can’t even do that? I give up! You’re too used to community organizing people to do manual labor. Community organize your wife to mow the lawn because you obviously wouldn’t know how to start the damn thing!
At least as far as world leaders go you’re still manlier than Queen Elizabeth.
. . . fuuuuuuuu**