In the wake of the Joe Muto controversy, I suppose my own brief tenure as a mole at a cable news network should come to light. To be fair, “mole” may be a bit inaccurate, but “janitor” just doesn’t have the same air of sexy mystique about it. Regardless, much like the Fox News mole, I too received my termination after only one day. Unlike Muto, my dismissal was the result of unauthorized sampling of craft services. (You know, for someone who claims to have some socialist sympathies, Matthews does not look favorably on sharing his cookie platter.) Regardless, I was able to smuggle out some secrets of the organization, namely a script for an as of yet unreleased promotional spot, cleverly hidden in a “To Be Recycled” paper bin. Below is said promo in its entirety. Please enjoy.
Race Baitin’ with Jesse and Al:
Fishing for Social Justice
(Cut to panning shot of hosts in canoe on small lake)
Al: We’re here to talk about the premier episode of Race Baitin’, the first television program devoted to those of who enjoy angling just as much as activism. Joining me as co-host every week is my good friend, equal parts spokesman and sportsman, Jesse.
Jesse: Thank you, Al. Whether plunging the depths of injustice and inequality or dropping a fly and trying not to break the water’s tranquility, we always have the same goal in mind: justice. For too long, the White Bass has monopolized the aquatic resources and marginalized the other fish with no resources. No more shall it eat its fill of what rightfully belongs to the oppressed Bluegill. It is our greatest wish to elevate the repressed Green Sunfish. We seek to help out all of the trout – Brown, Spotted, Golden, Rainbow, it’s a coalition and for that we are a-fishin’.
Al: Follow along as we travel this land, from Florida, where we chummed the waters of a media feeding frenzy, to the shores of the Great Lakes. From sea to sea we will organize expeditions to break the waters of silence, set a hook in the mouths of the guilty and haul them in for what they deserve: usually a nice cornmeal breading and shallow fry in hot canola oil.
Jesse: Not only will we share footage of our fishing trips, but we will also leave you with useful tips. Don’t leave that dip net in your boat, use it as a sign handle when you protest having to show ID to vote. You can also paint a short message on the front of your chest waders when you march in defiance of the justice-haters.
Al: We’ll also have celebrity guests on our show who share our passion. Our first guest will be Marion Barry who will tells us about the dangers of the Asian Carp infestation, and what should be done to remedy the problem. We also had Sam Jackson lined up to join us, but, unfortunately he has since changed his mind.
Jesse: That’s right, Al. Sam said that he will only cast for the proud Black Bass, and that is a position that should garner no opposition.
Al: So please join us every Saturday at noon for Race Baitin’, the flagship program for the brand new network, MSNBC: Outdoors. And please stay tuned afterwards for the premier of Farmin’ with Martin. In the first episode, host Martin Bashir will show you everything you need to know in order to plant, grow, and harvest a fine crop of straw. Then he and special guest Ed Schultz will show you how to assemble your own straw man, a very handy skill to know in today’s political environment.
Jesse: All of this and more on MSNBC: Outdoors. Organize your friends and family and demand your cable company carry this channel today.
(cut to graphic)
Ask your local cable provider for availability; then demand it from the government