I bought a dog.

I love my dog, but so far I haven’t settled on a name for him yet. I’ve been putting it off, since he doesn’t exactly come when he’s called anyway, but it’s something I should probably do sooner rather than later.

He’s great to have around, especially when it comes to protection. He doesn’t really look that mean, but boy, you get him riled up or get threatening and he’ll take a bite out of you. He certainly keeps my home nice and safe, although sometimes he barks at pretty much everyone. Can’t complain too much about that, I suppose.

My dog seems to have an unlimited amount of energy sometimes, and while that makes him really fun to play with, it can be a hassle. When I come home from work, he just seems over the moon to see me. From the moment I get in the door, he’s jumping all over me and getting in my way. All I really want to do is flop down in my easy chair and watch the game, but it’s not easy to do tripping over the dog the whole way there. I know he’s just very eager to please me, but honestly he’s frequently just in the way.

The eagerness to please turns up in a lot of ways. He tries to fetch me the newspaper (which always seems to be the Washington Post, and I don’t even subscribe to the Post) and gets his slobber all over it, rendering it useless. I’ve gone through a couple of pairs of shoes when he bites through the soles to try and give them to me. It’s like… don’t worry, dog, I got it! Don’t need your “help,” buddy!

Of course, a dog with a lot of energy is going to eat an whole lot, and he definitely fits that bill. Sometimes it feels like he’s eating me out of house and home. I’m at the grocery store on almost a weekly basis to get him more food, and it’s almost like the more you give him, the more he wants.

That’s causing him to put on quite a few pounds. He was lean and mean when I got him, but he’s certainly fat now by comparison. And since his energy level doesn’t seem to decrease, the bigger he gets, the more food he needs. He’s like a money pit, which I certainly wasn’t expecting when bought him.

And, if it’s at all possible, his girth makes him even more in the way when I come home from work. The bigger he gets, the more in the way he becomes. Sometimes he just parks himself right in front of the TV, especially at the most crucial points of the game. You can shout at him all you want, but that then becomes the moment he decides to just be as still as possible.

That weight gain seems to have a detrimental effect on his protective capabilities, too. He still barks at strangers, but they don’t seem quite as frightened of him. Anyone looking to rob me blind is probably thinking they can easily get away from a fat dog.

Oh well. He’s still my buddy. Sometimes.

Aha! I know what I can name him!

Here, Government! Come here boy! [whistle noise]

Look at that, he still doesn’t come when I call him.

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