Wild speculation over fantastical creatures long thought extinct or non-existent has abounded since the advent of the Internet. Conspiracy theorists twitter about snapping a photo of Big Foot on their iPhones, posting a YouTube video of themselves posing with Nessie, or providing indisputable evidence that communists still exist.
The quest to document the existence of such cryptids has been taken up with renewed vigor since the explosion of new technologies that made ‘citizen journalism’ the rage. Unconfirmed sightings have skyrocketed since the History Channel received a hefty grant from the Conspiracy Research & Analysis Network for Kook Scientists. The all-history network looks to take a break from its 24/7 reportage on UFO sightings to ask the controversial question, “Do communists still exist?”
Before taking on such a loaded question, the History Channel will delve into the hunt for four other elusive creatures: the Sasquatch, chupacabra, Loch Ness monster, and the Abominable Snowman. Misfit Politics has attained an exclusive sneak preview of the documentary,which is preliminarily scheduled for the sacred holiday of gun nuts and other right-wing extremists – Independence Day weekend.
The Sasquatch is a large, hairy creature last seen in the Pacific Northwest. Also known as “Big Foot,” he is said to possess a massive footprint as well as corresponding anatomical features. The closest any human being is said to have gotten to confirming his existence is when a Greenpeace team was dispatched to the mountains on a fact-finding mission. In accordance with its stated goal to expand grant opportunities for protecting “endangered species,” the group apparently got a little too close for the beast’s liking on one unfortunate occasion. In a midnight raid that left several of the activists savaged and bewildered, the monster ransacked the camp in a crazed fit of rage, unstaking and overturning the tents, and even urinating on the fire. Several members were life-flighted to a nearby hospital, where they were treated for minor bruises along with PTSD. But despite such harrowing first-hand experiences, the case of the Sasquatch is still categorized as “unconfirmed.” False alarms and undocumented reports of “Big Foots” continue to this day, as Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz knows, to her chagrin.
That brings us the next creature of ill repute. Chupacabras have reigned in the nightmare visions of Latino Americans ever since a Puerto Rican lady with an overactive imagination watched Species one too many times and reported one rampaging across the island countryside. Literally meaning “to suck goat” (chupar cabra), the spiny-backed vampires dine on the livestock of unfortunate ranchers and goat herders. Although scientific necropsies fail to confirm that chupacabras are responsible for the recent spate of goat killings in Latin America, anecdotal evidence now suggests another mortal enemy of these fierce creatures: Mexican drug lords. An investigative team dispatched to trace piles of American-purchased weapons found at border firefights encountered bizarre bite and scratch wounds on numerous dead cartel members, up to and including total evisceration. Even more strange, fecal deposits found on the deceased drug traffickers were examined by scatological researchers and did not match any known substance. Their analysis was said to have ended in “s***.”
The search for Nessie the Loch Ness monster has been no more successful. Despite round-the-clock video surveillance, the best that numerous environmental search teams could produce was sketchy footage of a plesiosaur-looking animal. Not surprisingly, the monster was never captured in sufficient detail to confirm or deny its existence. But a number of eyewitness accounts and gruesome legends surrounding the lake have raised the possibility that something lurks in the deep.
Surrounding the lake are a number of large green recycling bins, placed there by environmental activists eager to “make a difference” by preserving the lake habitat in a pristine condition. Oddly enough, several weeks after the bins were erected, dead bodies started turning up. Mixed in with the styrofoam containers and aluminum cans were several missing teenagers from nearby “green teams,” replete with teeth-shaped bite holes on the back of their “Recycle This” t-shirts. Environmental police are still baffled by what might have caused the murdering spree.
No list of cryptozoological oddities would be complete without the Abominable Snowman. Also known as the Yeti, these furry, snow-loving creatures are said to inhabit a range of mountainous glaciers from the Himalayas to the North Pole. Aboriginal tribes and wandering explorers quake in their boots at the mere thought of running across one of these goliaths. But a recent spell of man-made global warming now has environmentalists concerned and fearing for these nearly extinct creatures’ lives.
An expeditionary team was sent out in 1993, soon after the second IPCC report predicted that all of Asia would be underwater due to Himalayan glacier melt by the year 2000. Calling their awareness-raising campaign “The Other Y2K” with a Yeti poised atop 2K, a team of well-meaning environmentalists traveled deep into the icy mountains to get a picture of the reclusive beast. What they found haunts them to this very day. When asked about the experience, the only things the hikers will say are “Al Gore!” and “Run!”
The History Channel documentary is slated to conclude with an interview of Monmouth college professor Dr. Samuel Sneedly, a reputable expert on conspiracy theories and Internet rumors. One of the most pernicious rumors of them all, he expounds, are the malicious right-wing smears of “socialist” and “communist,” which have proliferated since the inauguration of Barack Obama. These McCarthyite expressions are predominate especially in right-wing racist militia circles and Republican college groups.
We had a chance to interview Dr. Sneedly about this phenomenon before the special was scheduled to air on the History Channel. The professor is not only an expert on paranormal psychology, but is a consultant for the Obama campaign. When asked about the rise of the “communist” and “socialist” epithets, the academic gave the following response:
“Everyone knows that communists and socialists no longer exist after the falling of the Berlin wall. Yet some kooky fringe nuts on the Right continue to insist they are still around. This is utter gobbledygook. Take Allen West for example. He recently spouted off that there were as many as 80 communists in the House of Representatives. Eighty communists! Why, I’ve never heard such nonsense in all my life!”
When pressed on whether or not highly visible and successful “socialist” and “communist” parties in countries like China, Russia, Cuba, North Korea, Vietnam, Greece, Spain, France, Portugal, Great Britain, Venezuela, Brazil, Columbia, Honduras, and other major countries should count, the professor was quick to qualify.
“Absolutely not. These parties are not really ‘socialist’ or ‘communist’ in any meaningful sense, but are more akin to the term ‘Democrat’ or ‘progressive‘ in American parlance. There is a world of difference. If you look up the terms ‘socialism’ or ‘communism’ in a reputable dictionary, you won’t find open graves with dead bodies or desperate souls crushed by poverty or repression, but something appropriately compassion-inspiring. Like kittens. Or maybe unicorns.”
So there you have it. If one believes he sees any connection between the Democrat Party platform and those of socialist and communist parties, it is time to take up a hobby. Like tracking Big Foot, or capturing live chupacabras.