Election Day 2008 must have been such a horrible day for Conservatives. The white guy lost! How on Earth were they supposed to handle something that devastating?
I’ll admit it, at first, I didn’t like Mr. Obama because he was a black man. I mean, there was nothing wrong with him being black . . . it’s just that . . . he’s a man. As a feminist, I wanted to see Hillary Clinton rise up against this oppressive male-dominated patriarchal society in which we live. I voted for Hillary specifically for that societal poetic justice to play out.
When Barack won the nomination, I was crushed, but only until my white guilt kicked in. I realized that in voting for Hillary, I was no better than a slave owner, trying to oppress those poor African-American slaves. As a result, I had no choice but to support Barack Obama, just because he was black.
I didn’t watch any of the debates, and I didn’t know any of his positions on any of the issues. In fact, I still know very little.
But then something happened that made me realize just how important this election was. One brief video clip made me realize how foolish I was to write this guy off.
Did you see that?
That’s when I knew.
This . . . this guy is . . . so . . . COOL!
Please excuse my gushing but OHMAHGAWSSSHHH. Ahem. I’m sorry, John McCain, you suddenly became John McLAME. (Pssh, as if I was going to vote for the old white racist Rethuglican anyway!)
The opportunity to vote for a COOL President is so rare! I used to wish I had been around to vote for James K. Polk, or Woodrow Wilson, but that was BEFORE Obama came in to BARACK my world.
I suddenly wanted to learn more about this man, and as I dug deeper, I only discovered how freaking badass he actually is.
He plays Basketball!
He loves to smoke!
He has some really badass shades.
There is a Samurai Sword Action Figures made out in his image!
He looks so sexy without a shirt, that I’m reconsidering my heterosexuality (And I believe sexual preference is not a choice, so that’s saying something!)
He even makes LAME Conservative memes like Cowboy hats look kickass.
I don’t even know what this is but it’s AWESOME
Then there’s this. It speaks for itself.
Look Conservatives, I know you’re racist, and I know you have this strong, unexplainable hatred for black people that reaches back to Abraham Lincoln. But push that aside for just a second. We have an AWESOME president regardless of his skin color. Why ruin that by electing a white guy?
Cherish this moment where America is on top of the world. Everybody is bowing down to our President because they know just how cool he is. He personally killed Osama Bin Laden, iPads came out under his reign, and he’s getting us more Arrested Development and a sequel to Anchorman!
I’m sure there are even deeper, more intellectual reasons for why Obama is an awesome president, but I just don’t have the time to do the research. What more evidence could you possibly need? Let’s face it, this dude is supreme. I say we elect him for life! Conservatives, vote Obama, if not for his race, do it for Arrested Development!