Gather round my fellow fraggers, platformers, and role players, for I will now tell you of the greatest game ever played. This is the story of the gamer known by his gamertag as JChrist7.
The gamer JChrist7 had been spreading his message of intense but fair play throughout all the platforms. Noobs, and teh hardcorz alike sought him out for wisdom and guidance, but he was not without enemies.
JChrist7 gathered around him 12 other gamers from various platforms and formed the Disciple clan. There was PeteFishes1, NetsofAndy, BigJames83, LittleJamey12, JohnAndOn, SynoPhil647, BartHeart24, Mattaxation09, TomDoubtsIt, HeyJudeHey, ZealotSimonSays, and lastly the team killer known as JudasIscareAlot.
Together, the Disciple clan witnessed JChrist7 perform incredible miracles in so many games.
For example, when he saved the princesses of Hyrule, the Mushroom Kingdom, and that weird chick from ICO all at once after many were so sick of them getting kidnapped they were prepared to kill them themselves. “Go and be kidnapped no more.” he told them.
One time during an MMORPG he cast rez on the player “LazerusLazers” during a raid after the battle rez spell was already used once before!
Once, he duped hundreds of health potions for players who had come to watch him play!
Once, he lasted 40 straight days on 1 hp as enemies tried to bring him down but couldn’t. He was just too good.
He would say things such as “Blessed are the noobs, for they shall inherit the gaming culture.” and “What shall it profit a gamer if he finish the game, but lose all replay value?”
“HAX!” his enemies cried, but JChrist7 responded quietly “My father designed these games, and he has sent me to fix the bugs. These servers have been in a constant state of Beta testing, but I am the Alpha and also the Live Release. I am the programmer, the tester, and the developer, and no one gets to my father except through me.”
Gamers everywhere, noobs and hardcore alike were astonished at his skillz, but the L33t players were angry and sought to get JChrist7 banned, and they conspired in secret.
One day, JChrist7 was sitting with his clan and he held up some pocky and said “This is my body, eat this and remember my awesome K/D spread.” Then he took up a can of an energy drink and he said “Drink this, it’s my blood which is poured out for all you noobs.”
Then JChrist7 was silent, then over the mic the clan heard “One of you will team kill me today.” The clan totally freaked out and denied they would ever do such a thing but JChrist7 said to them “Those who have to do what they have to do should go do it.” and JudasIscareAlot logged off and went to tell the L33T gamers where he’d be.
As JChrist7 was talking to his father in the Halo Reach level builder, a bunch of L33t gamers descended on him and tried to freeze his account. PeteFishes1 got a headshot off on one of the L33t gamer’s guests but JChrist7 told him to back down and he went with them to another server willingly.
Later, plagued by his own guilt, JudasIscareAlot would cancel his own account and never game again.
They were cruel to JChrist7. They hacked into his character creator and put bruises and cuts all over his avatar. They put a “crown of thorns” skin on his character’s head and they mocked him. They would melee him from behind so that he would fall down and when he got back up, they would melee him again. It was seriously annoying.
Then they took him before a major developer and he asked “Are you the King of Gamers?” and JChrist7 replied “You have said so.” but the developer could find no fault in him and asked why his account should be deleted. Then the L33t gamers replied, “He seeks to usurp our culture with his teachings! We can’t let him play anymore!”
Then the developer offered that he ban the account of “Barabatherabba,” a kid who calls people racist names, team kills, and cusses with his high pitched voice because the annoying little punk had yet to hit puberty, but the people who were incited by the L33t gamers cried “Release the team killer, and ban JChrist7!”
The developer asked three times but each time they shouted for the banishment of JChrist7, and thus they were forced to let Barabatherabba go, and they did.
They then forced JChrist7 to march his character to a hill where he would be banned for life. His character was forced to carry far too much vendor trash and it slowed his character down so much that he couldn’t quick travel to the next location. It was very boring and tedious, and JChrist7 wanted very badly to stop and get some Taco Bell but he knew this was his destiny.
When they had finally reached the code input area they glitched his hands and feet into the terrain then raised him up on what looked like a d-pad. Many wept as JChrist7 hung there and after some time he said “It is finished.” and his character was deleted. It was then that everyones screens lagged for a few moments and the gamma was turned down.
Just to be sure the avatar was an empty shell, another gamer power attacked his side with a spear, and it was confirmed that JChrist7′s account was no longer active.
They took the empty avatar down and set it in a cave somewhere in north Skyrim and two guards were placed next to it to be sure that hackers or JChrist7′s fanboys wouldn’t try to steal the body.
Later, some fem-gamers ventured to the tomb but Lo! the stone had been rolled away and the tomb empty! Two GMs in shining clothes approached and said “Why do you look for the afk among the playing? He is not here! He is respawned!”
The fem-gamers went and quickly told the clan of what had happened but TomDoubtsIt wouldn’t believe it was true. PeteFishes1 quick traveled to the tomb and discovered for himself that the avatar was no longer there.
Later, JChrist7 would appear to his bewildered clan who did not recognize him immediately because he had changed his character set up, but he sat them down and helped them understand how he had returned. ”This is what has been foretold: The Messiah will have his account deleted but his account will reactivate on the third day, and GG and forgiveness for horrible endings and bad gameplay will be preached to all the platforms and servers in his name.”
JChrist7 then led his clan out to the vicinity of Hyrule, and there he lifted his hands and blessed his clan, and as he blessed them a warp pipe appeared and he took it to the next level.
I tell you this story, fellow gamers, because its important to understand that JChrist7 gave his account so he could take all the bugs, glitches, and hax, to the trash. He pwned the hacker BeastyMcSatan666 in the code line itself, then returned so that we might game at our fullest. Today we celebrate the respawn of the greatest gamer that every lived and remember all that he has done for us.
He is respawned indeed! Happy Easter everyone!