As a die-hard Leftist, I’ll just never understand why conservatives LOVE to spend so much time whining about this nonexistent double-standard in the media. Every time a prominent conservative says something inflammatory (which is pretty much every single day) all the lemmings rush forward to defend their Faux News Right-Wing conglomerate. They speak of this “double-standard” nonsense to try to imply that prominent Progressive heroes stoop to their immature, name-calling level.

Now look, I don’t know or even care what a double-standard actually means. All I know is that this assertion is pure lunacy! I dare any of you right-wing scum to prove me wrong on this! We have nothing but distinguished intelligent respectful people on the Left. Bill Maher and Ed Schultz, to name a few, would never say the horrible things about women that Rush Limbaugh says every single day he spews his nicotine stained NeoCon crap in the air.

In fact, we always openly welcome your backwards neanderthal point of view onto all of our unbiased outlets like when Steven Crowder went onto the Daily Show. We don’t sling mud at you vile, oxygen-wasting jerks and we’d never try to make you mouth-breathers look bad. When Jimmy Fallon had Michele Bachmann on his show, he treated her with so much respect, I actually started to like her until Reddit reminded me that she’s an evil Bible-thumping creationist zealot with disgusting eyeballs.

What I guess the Right will just never understand, (probably because they are so brainwashed into their closed-minded way of thinking) is that what they see as a double-standard, it is really just the truth. For example, if anybody on the Left even remotely tried to imply that Glenn Beck was a lying sack of dog mess, there’s nothing wrong with this, because it’s true! There would simply be no outrage because everyone knows that when a brilliant Progressive says something like this, they’re simply stating an absolute fact. Meanwhile, conservatives are so frustrated with their increasingly unpopular backwards ideology, they just helplessly and meaninglessly slander the pure, well-meaning secular saints on the Left. That’s not a double-standard. That’s one side being a bunch of babies, and the other side being mature adults with a grip on reality. Or maybe reality just has a liberal bias!

The conservative Right is so packed full of hypocrites, I don’t even know how they can push forth this insane narrative of a double-standard. You want to know a double-standard? How about Mr. Family Values Newt Gingrich cheating on his wife while leading the charge against America’s coolest president, Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton is an irresistible guy; it’s completely understandable why Monica Lewinsky forced herself on him. But even if he was guilty of whatever, he wasn’t trying to dictate to you from the gospel of family values like big old hypocrite Newt Gingrich. That’s the difference!

The Right is constantly trying to push a narrative of strong, positive family values onto the American people, while in their personal lives, they’re drug addicted, African-American lynching, puppy-murdering, closet homosexuals. How dare they try to encourage a message to society as a whole to live their lives to a higher standard than some of them do personally! As Leftists, we don’t have to be held accountable for detestable behavior or our lustful public desires, because we don’t expect anybody to be held accountable for anything. What that means is that it is absolutely impossible for us to ever be hypocritical, and as a result, makes us morally superior in our consistency to the American public.

The action itself really doesn’t matter. It’s like that old saying goes, “Shoot the messenger and burn the message!” or something like that. I realize though how complicated metaphors are for our more conservative readers. So to put it even more simply, there can’t be a double-standard when us Left-wing Progressives don’t have any standards!

To that I say, checkmate, conservatives!

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