Do you lack life experience? Have no clue when it comes to finances or balancing your family budget? Imagination-challenged, yet at the same time completely out of touch with reality? Are you clueless and totally unqualified to voice an opinion on women’s issues?

In today’s society, it’s important that women experience the vitality of life outside the home. Staying in and caring for your children might be hazardous to your mental health, as it might lead to a degenerative psychosis disqualifying you from making sane judgments. It doesn’t matter if you live on a self-chosen reduced income. It makes no difference that you might have to stay at home because of the economic downturn. Nevermind that you volunteer your time to centers and charities that benefit women, old and young. And it is completely irrelevant that you are smarter than a public school teacher so you’ve chosen to homeschool your teenagers. You have no idea what it means to work for a living… no clue what maids do when they come in to do laundry and scrub the floors. Seriously? You sit around eating bons bons and watching The Young and the Restless all day long, taking periodic cat naps while the kids run a muck and put shaving cream in your Prada heels.

Whipping up some Hamburger Helper for dinner because you’re on a budget? Forget about it – you don’t get credit for cooking that crap. Getting up at 3 in the morning to feed a hungry baby? Doesn’t count. Don’t even consider the asinine notion that meeting every waking need of your husband and five kids could possibly meet the standards of being a waitress. And finding creative, educational things for your preschool children to do during the day, such as making macaroni necklaces, searching for different types of tree leaves for rubbings, and taking your kids on field trips to the Museum of Nature and Science doesn’t even come close to being a daycare worker. Fishing doodies and cars out of toilets? Nope. Sorry, but you’re no plumber. Filed your family’s taxes for the past ten years and handled all communication with the IRS, avoiding backtaxes on penalties issued due to errors they made? Snort. You must fancy yourself a CPA. I’ll bet you can barely balance your checkbook.

I ask you a sincere, heartfelt question, dear Stay-at-Home Moms: What do know about being a woman and women’s issues if you’ve done nothing except stay at home? Absolutely nothing! You, my pretty little precious girls, are worthless. :’(

Therefore, I have the perfect solution for you! Quit sitting around your house being a brainless good-for-nothing! Get a J-O-B! That’s right! Get out into the old workforce and get some real-life experience. Yes! In order to display your equality and fully embrace your feminism, you must go out and work alongside the MEN! Because everybody knows you can’t be a housewife or a stay-at-home mom and be considered an equal to your breadwinner husband…

You can do whatever your heart desires, and it doesn’t matter whether you need the money or not. It’s the experience that makes you qualified to speak out on women’s issues. Maybe a cashier position at your local McDonald’s could fill in those life experience gaps that entitle you to an opinion. Perhaps a job as a personal trainer at the gym? Whoa. That would be hot. Might I suggest becoming a journalist? That title alone qualifies you to have an expert opinion and pass a judgment on any life situation. And the best part is, you don’t even have to know any real facts! You can just make them up as you go along.

Remember, ladies. Just because you do “stuff” at home, doesn’t mean you’ve earned a salary. Go out and get that job. Get that paycheck and earn your right to an opinion!

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

Sincerely,

Liberal Women Who Care About You and Your Issues