When I wrote One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots, I had ulterior motives. I was hoping nobody would notice, but you did. You found out and, through your blog posts and comments, you exposed me to the world. I now know that it’s time to come clean. I am a right-wing gun nut who wants to indoctrinate your babies.
Wonkette was one of the first to catch on. Only two weeks after the book came out, they published their piece “Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child from Socialism.” Yes! That’s what it’s for! This was followed by attention from various other sites who brought up important points in both blogs and comments. Here are some specifics that I’d like to confess:
- I know nothing about the Constitution.
- Yes, I did think Jesus wrote the Constitution (how did so many of you know?) and now I know better.
- The ten amendments are not the same as the ten commandments. I’ll try to remember.
- That thing about the Constitution protecting our right to pray? Made it up.
- I’m a bored Housewife.
“She’s probably…a republican housefrau who married money and squirted out a couple of brats and Hubby is a wannabe representative currently in business and worth a small fortune. Wifey there wanted fulfillment and he suggested she write a kids book on Freedumbs to keep her occupied while he pumps rentboys and works on campaign strategies for screwing the poor even more effectively.”
This is strangely specific, and very true (even the parts that didn’t completely make sense). To my friends, I want to say that I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to my wedding and kept my children secret from you. Feel free to send gifts now that you know the truth about my life.
I’m not really a patriot.
My patriotism is a sham. This is because, having never left my home state, I know nothing of the world and also because I went to college overseas. If you don’t think about it, it makes perfect sense. “What kind of ‘patriot’ goes to Scotland to learn English? Bob Jones U wasn’t good enough for her?” No. No it wasn’t. I’m glad you agree.
One commenter asked: “Amelia says she is a lifelong patriot. How many tours of duty did she serve in Iraq or Afghanistan, or is she another sniveling patriot who is fighting the ‘war of ideas’ on American soil? Patriot my ass.” And another answered: “She didn’t have time to fight for her country because she was getting her patriot schooling in Scotland, like a good American would.” You guys, I was busy!
- “Where are the verses on corporations being people, the fun of torturing brown people, cutting taxes on the wealth, or why science and reality have liberal biases?” Editing is hard. I’m sorry there wasn’t room for the content you wanted.
- “Anybody who buys this book is an asshole and a terrible parent. Who else would seek to brainwash children into believing that there are 2 chambers in congress?”
- “Time for a book burning” Burn it! Burn it with fire!
- “Freaking nutso righties…stop hurting America.” Yeah? Well your face hurts America.
- “So Republicans want to try to govern the entire world or what? It’s our responsibility to free and police everyone?” Yes. That is exactly what conservatism is all about.
- “Army, Air Force, Navy…I only count three branches.” I totally made up the Marines and the Coast Guard.
- “I have no knowledge of this book but it appears to be the same repackaged Christian nation bullchit.” Not only is that a really good point, I dig your anti-establishment view on spelling and comma usage.
- The book “pushes and (sic) agenda that is contrary to reality…a piece of trash. It is a free country where idiots CAN write whitewashed crap so that is fine.” USA! USA! I like your use of “whitewashed.” *wink*
- “Wow..the quotes from that book are CRAZY TALK!” You should see my diary.
- “Obviously this “history” book… is full of LIES propagated by TEABAGGERS and RACISTS and other insidious types.” My subtext speaks so loudly that it can be heard by those who have never read the book.
Oh, haters, why can’t we just agree? Only one commenter was willing to call out the others on their blind partisanship. In the midst of the maelstrom, this man was brave enough to find some common ground. “I think we’re forgetting the author’s hitability.” Thank you, sir. Thank you (unless you want to physically hit me, in which case WAR ON WOMEN! and I’ll call Gloria Allred).
Even though I tried to hide my agenda, some of you saw through me. You understood that I only did what needed to be done. As one wise woman said “Christian extremism, gun obsession, and radical patriotism are all the same thing.” Indeed they are, and radical is my favorite flavor of patriotism. I had a hard time accepting that I needed to come clean on my motives, but I’m glad that it happened. It was a heavy burden to carry and, now, a great weight has been lifted. No need to read my book, my darling haters, you clearly already know what’s in it, and what’s in my heart.