A law student at Georgetown wants us to panic, because if she doesn’t have access to free birth control, it’s going to cost her $3,000 a year! My God, how do the common people function without their diamond encrusted platinum diaphragms? I went to a state school, so my government diaphragm was only sterling silver with turquoise. I know, right? Deprived!
No, actually, when I was in college, I worked at the Student Health Center, where we had a giant silver cannister of free–count ‘em–FREE condoms for anybody to grab who walked in the center. Most student health centers do, so if you need free condoms, put your cap on backwards and pop into your local university’s clinic. Nobody will question you. Just grab a handful. I did. I brought bags of free condoms back to the dorm for the girls who were too shy to obtain them. They were even the fancy spermicide coated rubbers. And that was the magical year I discovered I was allergic to Nonoxynol-9. Oy vey.
If you feel like a heel taking free condoms from college health centers, the drug store and even your local gas station has them. They’re not terribly expensive. They sure don’t add up to $3,000 a year, so I’m not sure where this supposedly highly educated person got this number. I used to buy a couple of boxes of condoms and put them in a dish amongst the crudites at any party I threw once I made enough scratch to have parties with crudites. I would make a dear little sign that said “Take As Many As You Need!” I was a college student working as a receptionist in a doctor’s office. Buying two boxes of condoms for a party didn’t break me. How would it break a law student?
“Oh, that’s an isolated incident,” my very knowing and considerate Lefty friends say. “You know that most people who can’t afford contraception are not law students, and they don’t spend $3,000 a year on anything. Do you want people who can’t afford to have children to get pregnant?” As a small government conservative, I want people to do whatever floats their boat, as long as it’s not hurting anyone. I do expect them, just as they expect me, to be responsible for their own choices. This particular choice starts with a male partner. So I am here to ask my fellow females a very simple question:
Why in God’s name would you want to have sex with a man who can’t afford a condom? If the mention of God makes you uncomfortable, I’ll rephrase the question. WTF, my girls? WTF?!
“Oh, I don’t care about material things. I love a man for his soul,” you titter, batting your eyelashes and maybe stroking your rose quartz crystal necklace. The hell you do. Look, girl, we both know that as much as flashy wealth repulses many of us, none of us grows up hoping to fall in love with a man who gleefully wallows in the mire of abject, irresponsible poverty. If he can afford the dollar menu at McDonald’s on your date, he can buy a damn condom. For that matter, so can you.
I’m not even asking you to abstain, because you’ve already told me you won’t. I’m asking you to have a thimbleful of respect for your vagina. I’m asking you to avoid veneral disease, as that’s even more likely than a lovely baby.
“Oh, I’m in a committed relationship. I don’t like condoms. Condoms fail a lot. I want the pill.” Then get the pill. Your student clinic, the free clinic, and even your family doctor can provide you with a prescription for the pill at such low cost, you’ll only have to skip a couple of Starbucks runs to afford it. How an educated young woman could not know this is of profound concern to me.
HOW CAN SHE NOT KNOW THIS?! Is there a super secret one-percenter form of birth control that costs $3,000 that lower-middle class schmucks like me don’t know of? Does it shoot the sperm with laser beams? Laser beams from space? Does it come in gummi bear form and also make you lose weight? Does it turn your vagina from a birth canal into a frozen yogurt dispenser? What is this amazing and expensive technology being hidden by The Man from we working stiffs?! WHY DON’T YOU JERKS SHARE IT WITH US?!
And this is the real problem. Now that I know about $3,000 birth control, I won’t rest until I find out what it is. It’s got to have some fancy side effect. Maybe if you take it, you do get pregnant, but with lovely pygmy kittens who never grow up into adult cats. Maybe every time you have sex, an ex-boyfriend gets hives. Maybe it makes you not only impervious to sperm, but sunburn, heat rash, and mesothelioma. That’s worth $3,000, right?
Meh, I’ll just continue to wait around for a guy who’s actually worth the trouble.