Welcome to Planet Feminism, where the Stupid Advisory Level is perpetually at Code Pink. Never fear, Misfit Politics is here! We’re with you every step of the way, helping you navigate through every Pink shade of conservative-hating and man-loathing.
For the past several weeks, I’ve been engaging in self-torture on Wednesday nights by participating in Code Pink’s “training” conference calls, informally titled “how to claim you’re an independent woman and simultaneously campaign for the nanny state.” Because nothing says empowerment like dependence on the government welfare boob.
The calls begin with hostesses Nancy and Rae laying out a few ground rules, including “show respect and suspend judgment.” It’s not every day that a liberal will admit that they want you to disengage the gray matter, but on Planet Feminism, they parade their disregard for reason and logical thought right down the middle of Main Street. After instructing us not to use our brains, hostess Nancy tells us a little about Occupy Women (I didn’t make that up. They really call themselves that), Code Pink’s latest favorite group of Marxist pals. It’s made up of women and “men who are women-identifying.” You see, on Planet Feminism, you can be male and just pretend you’re a woman. Delusional pretending is encouraged here, with brains suspended and all.
Introductions come next. We’ve got women from Occupy Nashville, Occupy Oakland, and – big shocker here – Occupy Chicago. Tessa gushingly tells everyone how “highly evolved” the call is. Apparently it took humanity billions of years to learn how to say “Hi, my name is Tessa.” Caitlyn is “inspired” by the call. Me too, Caitlyn! Nothing gets me all jazzed up to change the world like someone saying “Hi, my name is Caitlyn.”
Next, we get to the real
meat tofu of the call. A caller from Fort Wayne gravely pronounces that “women in general are under attack,” which is why we’ve gotta organize, sisters! Rise up against . . . whatever the heck she’s talking about! This is why Occupy Women and Code Pink are so important! We also heard from Lacy with Occupy at McPherson Square in Washington, D.C. She apologized multiple times for the non-existent background noise – because with all FOUR tents (there really are only four. I’ve been there), the crowds just can’t be controlled, people. It’s a “rockstar event,” according to Lacy, the great community organizer. What a thrill! Now Jodi wants to tell us about Lisa, the “amaaaaaaaazing activist.” Lisa’s specialty is “going into places where police might show up.” You know, everywhere like such as.
Speaking of the police, Lisa reassures us that although “They operate on an authoritarian model, as in, ‘I’m in charge; you have to do what I say,’ but what we need to understand is that you do NOT have to do what they say.” Really? Let us know how that works out for ya, Lisa. After a whiny and not-very-empowered-sounding caller accuses police officers of “targeting women,” and “pushing women around,” yet offering no proof whatsoever, Lisa proclaims “If the police are pushing the women, that’s actually a good thing, because it exposes what they’re really about. We don’t need men to protect us.” Yes, that’s right, police officers are all overbearing evil males just waiting to abuse women. On Planet Feminism, that’s reality.
When dealing with journalists, Lisa offered callers a fresh perspective on power: “It can often feel as if [journalists] are the ones who hold the power. I want to really invite you to reclaim your power in these situations. You have an opportunity to shape the way a reporter feels and thinks about the issue.” Reclaim the power! RECLAIM IT LADIES!
Furthermore, Lisa reminded us that with journalists, we just need to have the five-year-old philosophy, as in “What if a five-year-old asked you those same sort of rude, narrow-minded questions? You wouldn’t march off saying ‘god, what a narrow-minded, bigoted, right-winger of a kid!’ You would lovingly reframe the question so they understand the issue better.” Please ladies, help the sad little ignorant reporters correctly understand things. Don’t leave them to wallow in their logic. What? You didn’t know reporters are all bigoted right-wingers? It’s true! Lisa told me so! She said (swallow your coffee) “There IS a right-wing media conspiracy!” Not to worry, we’re all prepared now to help those Republican bastards understand the issue better. We even had the opportunity to do a little role-play, with Lisa as the reporter (more pretending, I know). Lisa instructed us to “listen for this full-body experience that Barbara [caller participating in role play] is going to share with us.” Role-play is a full-body experience, y’all. Kind of like a TVU.
So what exactly has Code Pink’s collectivist panties in such a twist, you ask? Oh, it’s terrible! Almost unfit to print! You see, all of this “training” is to meant to help Occupy Women be prepared to protest at Bank of America, because those meanies are
investing heavily in coal mining stealing candy from babies. I know! The nerve of Bank of America, investing in job-creation and American energy! How dare they!
Unfortunately, the last call ended early because of technical problems. I suppose they could have called a man to help, but all the males around are pretending to be women, remember? What a drag. Literally.
I hope by now we can all agree that A) Code Pink is utterly ridiculous and out of touch with any semblance of reality, B) Code Pink does not, in fact, empower women in any way, and C) both Code Pink and Occupy Women are pawns of the Left. I sincerely wonder if it has ever occurred to anyone at Code Pink that true “social justice,” what they claim to fight for, would actually be letting companies invest in whatever the heck they want. Or that true empowerment of women means not shoving welfare and the victim complex down their throats. Or that most people you’ll get on tech support are males, so they should really stop being so hateful toward men. Just a thought.