If you’re a beltway insider or political expert, this assertion will confuse you, because it comes from outside the echo chamber and Twitter battles. But Obama is going to win, because the American people don’t care about what you care about. Yes, they care about jobs and stuff, but the second you say “Jobs and…” anything besides “stuff”, they’ve already clicked over to a site that has a retrospective of Katie Holmes’ shoes.
More intelligent and important people than myself have said this very thing: Obama will win in the 2012 election. Ben Domenech said it months ago in his brilliant Transom, and since then, nobody’s paid attention because we still have the Not Ready For Primetime Players going to debate after Obama-controlled-media debate answering stupid questions that aren’t about anything meaningful. Because we have to, just like you have to tell your clumsy daughter that she’s the best ballerina ever, and watch her take out half the front row with her pirouette. We are Noldorin Elves, fighting the long defeat.
For those of you who all follow each other on Twitter and Facebook and have no idea what people registered Democrat and Independent are saying, here is a summary, based on actual conversations and posts:
“Romney is that Mormon guy who hurt a dog. Newt is that Clinton guy who cheated on his wives, so Republicans are hypocrites if they nominate someone claiming to protect the sanctity of marriage. Speaking of which, Santorum is that guy who hates gay people. Perry is that guy who hates gay people and black people and doesn’t know anything. Ron Paul is the only adult on the stage, but was created by Industrial Light and Magic. Bachmann is that crazy lady who’s married to that gay dude. That dude is so gay! And Hunstman is a type of ketchup. That speaks Chinese.”
“Obama is the guy who changed everything, and things still suck, but that’s Bush’s fault. Maybe also Sarah Palin’s somehow.”
Oh, but if the American people knew the facts, you say, they’d not believe any of this wacky nonsense. Your average person couldn’t give a short fat damn about facts. They hear a catchy, easy-to-digest soundbite on one of the major networks, and that’s their truth. Harry Reid was, to some degree, correct. If Entertainment Tonight runs a blurb on Rush Limbaugh making fun (it seems) of Michael J. Fox, that is what sticks in their head. Context means nothing. Mormons are all married to four ladies like that one guy on TLC. That’s what they remember. Something about The Daily Show, something something.
They care about facts, they say, but the blurb informs the belief. “I heard a thing on PBS about Monsanto bioengineering snap peas and now they give you autism and lower your credit score.” And this is why liberals like Ron Paul! BLURBS.
The people who hate Republicans are going to vote for Obama because their main source of info, the mainstream media, is in control of the narrative. And they love Obama. Obama is great press. Love him or not, his Presidency is historical. Obama is a black man in charge of a nation mostly made of white people. That makes America better than Germany! Nevermind that America isn’t even remotely ready for a female president, because America has never had a queen, and the idea of female authority is completely foreign to Americans for the time being.
“This cannot be! America won’t survive four more years of Obama!” you wail. Well, of course it will, because the people who actually do think for five seconds before casting their votes will be paying attention to congressional seats. The people who pay attention will demand a Republican House & Senate, and Obama will be hamstringed, and we’ll be doing the Lame Duck Waddle all the way to 2016.
But we have to win 2016. So how do we do that? Groom a guy who can speak to everyone, including the Blurbers, with the intent of conservatism and the language of normal people who don’t openly talk about family values. The 2016 candidate must be a man, because a woman will be ripped limb from limb for everything from not being girly enough to having too many children to worry about during that 3AM call. He must be below 60 and handsome, and he must look people in the teleprompter when he speaks to them. He must be able to rally the Occupy demographic into understanding that the way to take back their future is to fight for their own independence. He must not talk down to them; they’ll be ready to vote in 2016 and they’ll be steaming mad after four years of Obama playing golf and evil Republicans blocking his every move. “They parked a cart over the 9th hole!”
Our Man in 2016 must not allow the press to control the narrative. If they bring up gay marriage, the answer is, “That is actually an important states’ rights issue. I am running for President of the United States. Let’s talk about this economy and our foreign policy, and how the Democrats have failed.” If they bring up abortion, condoms, schools, the answer is, “That is an important states’ rights issue. I am running for President of the United States. Let’s talk about getting American ingenuity and products out into a needy world, and how we can undo the Democrats’ failure.” Do you sense a theme here?
Obama is going to win, because we’re not telling our idiots to answer all questions this way this time around. We are not talking to the undecided and the Democrats about facts because we’re too busy engaging in pissing battles, cheering on crappy candidates just like we cheer on crappy local NFL teams. So Obama will win. That’s on us. We did that.
No, we cannot win. Not now, not against history and blurbs. “But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.” Just hold your breath and sit on your 401K/keep barristing. It’ll get better. It always does.
We also have to get the world used to the idea that men text pictures of their junk, because that’s going to be an issue on both sides, period.
This piece is cross-posted with permission from punditleague.us